


To Be In Love And To Be Broken

by suicidal_girl



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depressed Liam, Depression, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 16:50:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7941874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suicidal_girl/pseuds/suicidal_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam is your normal highschool teen, except he isn't. He doesn't have many friends, he has an abusive family, he has mental and eating disorders, a self harm addiction and oh he also falls in love with Zayn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Be In Love And To Be Broken

**Author's Note:**

> So I kinda wanted to write something for a pretty long time and I love ziam more than anything so here we go. Annnnnd my tumblr is coupleandsadness if you wanna talk or something

'Pathetic', One of the word that had been repeated way too many times. Sometimes his mom calls him by that word, as if he isn't a person, as if he has no feelings. And sometimes it's his dad, are they right? He doesn't know. Doesn't know what is right anymore. It feels right though, when he looks in the mirror, and the person who stares back, _P_ _athetic,pathetic,pathetic,pathetic._ The words seem to be chanting in his head as he stares at his reflection. So he opens his book and takes out his little secret or what everyone calls  _a blade._ And he slits his thighs,  _1 for being a disgrace, 2 for being a loser, 3 because you're abnormal, 4 for liking him, 5 because you're addicted to this_ and then he lost counts and he kept finding reasons.  _12 for being **pathetic**_ **.** He changes into his pajamas and goes to his bed, because sometimes the only escape we have from everything ~~(including ourselves)~~ is sleep. He remembers his dad threatening to kill him when he found Liam liked boys too, he remembers his mom's disappointment. He tries to forget all the beating he gets for being a nobody, a loser but it is so hard.So he wishes that he when he wakes up tomorrow, he wakes up dead.  _You can't wake up if you're dead smartie._ So he wished he woke up anywhere else, just somewhere far far away from here or he wished he didn't wake up at all. And lost in thoughts, he falls asleep and though that day couldn't get rougher, the next carried much more.

-

 

He remembers his first day of highschool, he remembers the hopes he had. He remembers wanting friends but he nevers remembers planning to _fall for him._ He was a pansexual which meant he liked guys too, which made him the weird, abnormal one.  _That's what his parents said._ But he remembers everything about him. How his laugh sounds, how when he smiles  _his eyes shine,_ how actually his smile could actually cure cancer  _(Yes he was a nerd, but could you blame him, when John Green was so good, and his life so miserable),_ he remembers how his eyes looked like honey, the same shade. But what he remembers the most is how _he broke his heart._ And that's all what Liam seems to think about nowadays. And that makes it hard for him, but he won't think about it now, not when he's on his way to his class. He will go and not get bothered by all the bad stuff happening, he will pay attention to his class not to the hate he gets.

 

-

 

Remember when Liam said he will pay attention, he lied. He saw one of _his_ friends, the curly one, Harry. Harry seemed nice when he first saw him. Harry's smirk, he remembers, when Zayn first held Liam's hand. He thought he knew what it meant. Cause it was always there, when Zayn took Liam to dates, when Zayn and Liam walked to places no one cares about, when Zayn told him he loved someone else and  _left_ him. He used to think the smirk meant, you won this bad boy kiddo, but it, he later realized, meant; he was never yours.

 

-

 

He looks at Zayn, he notices he was avoiding him. _His Zayn avoiding him._ _'Well he isn't yours, he never was smartie' ._ But he looks away, and tries not to feel as sad as he does. He remembers how they just skipped school to have a day together, he remembers having Zayn so close that he could feel Zayn's breath on his face, when Zayn's lip were so close to his, but they never kissed. They both cooked and sang along to songs. Then he remembers them cuddling in an awkward position together, and they sat and watched their favourite classic. The Notebook. Zayn said he has never felt so happy. How they stopped halfway through, just to dance. And how he couldn't stop smiling, how he felt like he was also worth something. But then he remembers how all of it got taken away. Maybe life isn't a happy place no matter how much we try.

 

-

 

 _'Liam your eyes look so beautiful when the sun shines on them'_ , they were swinging, but Zayn kept smiling at him and he kept wondering how someone as beautiful as Zayn could ever fall for Liam. And that one thought, that one thing that Liam wanted, was to be beautiful not to be as fat as he is. Liam didn't think people who were big were unattractive, they were as a matter-of-fact, very amazing and attractive, but Liam wasn't. Liam never was what people think attractive, he was fat and ugly and clumsy. So he would stop eating to be handsome enough one day. Atleast good enough for his damn self. 

 

-

So when he stares at his scars, he remembers when Zayn held his wrist and kissed it and asked Liam not to do it again. And Liam was gonna stop but Zayn stopped loving him or maybe he never did but sometimes Liam likes to think that Zayn actually loved Liam. 

 

-

 

That friend of Zayn, what was his name, Lou? Yea he used smoke with him too, and one day when Zayn was really high, he kept apologizing and Liam couldn't understand and then Zayn told him that he used to like a guy. And Liam just couldn't smile or laugh or do anything. So Liam just walked silently and Zayn left him to go to his class.

 

-

 

Liam just skipped his classes that day but Zayn texted him and he went with Zayn to Zayn's house, and Zayn kept joking but Liam just couldn't laugh and then Zayn told him how he loved that guy, and how he still does and how Liam is more beautiful but Zayn will always someone else and Liam couldn't  _breath,_ so he and Zayn cried and then Liam left.

Liam stood a hour outside Zayn's home and cried, why did he possibly think life'd be fair this time.

 

-

 

He thought it was over but they met in the middle of the night in a park. Liam got on the swings and Zayn looked like something was off, Zayn hugged Liam again and again and Liam was certain that atleast he had Zayn as a friend, but the next day Zayn made it sure that Liam wasn't to get close to him. And Liam still listens to songs that somehow remind him of Zayn and life is so rough at times

 

-

 

 


End file.
